FAQ & Resources for Understanding Domestic Violence

What is Abuse?

Abuse is: A pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic Violence/Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone. In short, it is an abuse of power, manifested through selfishly (pride-filled) motivated patterns of behavior intended to exercise or maintain control over one’s partner.

• Note: One must see Abuse as a construct with patterns of behavior, as opposed to an incident of behavior. If when reading this definition, one thinks, “good, now I can take an incident and apply it to the definition and be able to label the incident abusive or not”, this will likely lead to discouragement. This is not an incident driven definition of abuse. If one starts looking at behaviors that have to meet a certain criterion; this will mean that abuse is going to have to be pretty intense, or severe, for an individual to acknowledge it as abusive. On the other hand, without the connectivity of the pattern, less severe aspects of power and control can be overlooked or rejected all together.

What are helpful articles, resources or podcasts to consider?

• For a helpful illustration on how to discern if what a person is experiencing is abuse consider the following brief excerpt from a book titled, When Home Hurts.

• these three articles written by Darby Strickland addresses sexual abuse inside marriage.

• these two articles written by Darby Strickland addresses spiritual abuse inside marriage.

• this article by Leslie Vernick addresses what the Bible says about abusive relationships.

• these four podcasts by Chris Moles addresses the question, “What is Domestic Abuse?”

• this article by Leslie Vernick addresses the question, “Is it Wrong to Keep a Record of Wrongs?”

• this article by Darby Strickland assists the reader in seeing the unseen victims of Domestic Abuse in the Church.

• this article by Darby Strickland titled, “Identifying Oppression” does as the title suggests.

• this blog post by Chris Moles seeks to respond to the question being asked by an oppressor, “Am I Abusive?”

• this 15 minute video, called “Fred and Marie” (french subtitled) helps a person see and feel what oppression in marriage could be like. {this could be upsetting for some}.

What are helpful books to read to help me understand Domestic Abuse?

• Darby Strickland has a book titled, “Is it Abuse?”

• Leslie Vernick has a book titled “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage”.

• Chris Moles has a book titled, “The Heart of Domestic Abuse: Gospel Solutions for Men Who Use Control and Violence in the Home.”

• Joy Forrest has a Workbook and a Book titled, “Called to Peace”.

• Brad Hambrick has a book titled, “Self-Centered Spouse: Help for Chronically Broken Marriages”.

• Jeremy Pierre and Greg Wilson have a book titled, “When Home Hurts: A Guide for Responding Wisely to Domestic Violence in the Church.”